Couples Counselling and the Fear Factor(s)....
Arguments can start for many reasons but over time, may lead to a complete communication breakdown if the reasons behind them are not addressed properly. In some relationships there may be underlying tensions such as money worries, pressures of shift work, sexual difficulties, infidelity, family responsibilities and/or children; who often leave little time for privacy and even less for communication. There may also be irritation and resentment when relationships feel stagnant; not going anywhere, boring or routine.
All of these variables impact upon relationships in different ways but when left unchecked, can become a pressure cooker of explosive exchanges as frustration builds and partners point-score against each other; so pre-occupied with defending an opinion or expressing hurt, that shouting becomes a “white noise” of raised voices instead.
Although by definition, an argument needs at least two people to thrive, when the same person finds themselves continually surrendering in order to keep the peace, it can turn into a one-sided diatribe and in some cases, slowly develop into a platform for verbal abuse, bullying and control. Introduce fear into that mix and it becomes a recipe for the (soul) destruction of at least one of you and it’s normally this person – but not always – who seeks counselling support from outside the relationship.
In my experience, individuals are more willing to consider individual counselling than they are to seek help as a couple - through a different kind of fear dynamic; fear of making things worse at home, fear of appearing unauthentic, fear of being criticised and/or, fear both will not get an equal opportunity to be heard. Fear – it has potential to be everywhere when given space to grow but fear, in any form, has no place in a healthy relationship.
Couples counselling is an equal process of time, attention, understanding and analysis and when both partners agree to take part, it is absolute proof that both of you care about the relationship and want it to work. Towards the end of therapy, people find that not only have they learned more about their relationship and how to interact better as a couple but also, about themselves and improved ways to communicate with others.
If either of you feel you may have already reached this point in your relationship, please get in touch.